Sexuality can be something daunting. We've always been told that we are supposed to grow up, reach an appropriate age, and marry someone of " the opposite" gender — that is considered to be the norm. As a child, with few outlets from the outside world, we rarely knew differently. When we started to grow up is when we began to question what we had been taught about ourselves. Is "straight" really the label that applies?
Attraction can be confusing, fluctuating, and often fickle; as a teenager, or older, realizing that you may not be attracted to the so called "opposite" gender is a confusing process. How do we know for sure? How do we know what label to use? Are labels even important anymore?
These are all equally important and valid questions, and a natural part of growing up. Questioning your sexuality might not mean that you're part of the LGBTQ+ community, but it might also mean that you are. In either case, to be questioning is a healthy and normal part of life.
Sexuality can't be defined as clear-cut boxes, nor be kept within the confines of black and white, homosexual and heterosexual — it is a spectrum, fluid and malleable. It may change throughout someone's lifetime, or remain the same.
However, first figuring out your sexuality can be daunting — even if you realize you're straight — because you're questioning the ideals and expectations that have already subconsciously been bestowed upon you.
Here are a few questions you can ask yourself to make that process clearer. Remember, experiences with attraction are subjective, and no one person has the ultimate experience with figuring themselves out.
Would you want to go on a date with them?
Dates are different from just hanging out with friends. There is a purpose behind the date, an intention of romance, to woo your person of interest. Would that be something you would like? Could you imagine yourself being sweetly romantic with them, creating an atmosphere of intimacy? If the thought of these situations with the person you're thinking of has you affected, whether you're excited, or nervous at the thought, then there is a chance that the attraction might be real. Either way, it is all a matter of exploration. Put yourself out there! You might find that your experiences might surprise you, and help you figure out a few things.
Do you want to be them, or do you want to be with them?
Sometimes, admiration and attraction can get mixed up. Admiring someone and wanting to be them is not the same as wanting to romantically pursue them. There is a difference between finding someone objectively good-looking and being attracted to that beauty. Squishes (platonic crushes) can be just as intense as romantic crushes, and have you feeling confused about your emotions. Ask yourself if the nerves you get from being around them are simply platonic, or if they are rooted in a different kind of desire. If you daydream about how beautiful they are, or how smart, or how their eyes seem to draw you in — ask yourself if the pull you feel is simply platonic or not.
Do you want to kiss them?
This is a tricky part of figuring out your sexuality, as physical affection may not be a part of your experience with attraction. It all depends on your preferences. If you blush at the thought of kissing them, if it makes excited butterflies run rampant in the pits of your stomach — there's a good chance you might be attracted to them. However, this is not necessary. Romantic and sexual attractions, while usually go together, can also be altogether different.
Is it okay to be attracted to more than one gender?
The answer to that question is always a resounding yes. Bisexuality and Pansexuality are the most common forms of multi-gender attraction, and are completely normal to experience.
Bisexuality is defined as the attraction to more than one gender. The term "more than one gender" does not mean just man and woman, but it simply means the attraction to a multiple genders.
Pansexuality is defined as the attraction to all genders.
The difference in these terms is the level of attraction to various genders. While bisexual people may experience varying levels of attraction depending on the gender, pansexual people experience attraction without heed to gender.
There are a number of micro-sexualities in multi-gender attraction, and it's always wise to do your research and go with the term you feel most comfortable with.
Do I need a label?
No, a label is not necessary. It is perfectly fine to have your attraction remain undefined, nor is it necessary to impose a term onto yourself for the sake of it. The letter Q in the LGBTQ+ acronym stands for queer, and is a word reclaimed by the community to stand as an umbrella term for all non -heterosexual sexualities and cis gender. You may identify as queer, or you may simply wish to remain unlabeled. This does not erase your queer identity, nor any part of your questioning process.
Most importantly, don't pressurize yourself to figure it out immediately! Your sexuality is simply yours; let time and yourself figure it out. You can surround yourself with people from the community and let things naturally fall in place for yourself. First Contact is a metaverse for queer and questioning folks to connect personally and professionally — signing up to the place may be a stepping stone to understanding yourself better as well.
About the Writer: Shriya Bhatt is a a part-time freelance copywriter. If you want to work with her check out her LinkedIn Profile.
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